Sunday, October 9, 2011

Real Men's Guide to Ethics

Hate any group you're not part of. Such as gays, women, disabled people, gays, people of other religions (or even denominations), other races/ethnic groups, gays, people with a different first language, vegetarians, and gays. Also people richer than you, people poorer than you, "hippies", "old ladies", women you're not attracted to, and anyone nicer than you. These people hurt you by existing, so they deserve a good thrashing.

If someone is miserable, attack them. Their misery tempts you to be nice and being nice is bad. Your only attitude is pointless anger against people who haven't done a thing to you. Justice is your enemy. Be proud of how "evil" you are because "evil" is good. Identify with the "bad" guy in every movie or TV show.

The victim is always wrong and the aggressor is always right. If someone gets burglarized, it's their fault for 1) owning things the thief might want, 2) having windows the thief can break, and 3) living less than 50 miles from a thief. If the victim complains, they're whining about a situation they could have done something about. For example, they could research every thief in town and find out what thieves want, and make sure not to own things they want. They can also board up all doors and windows so the thief can't get in. They don't need to go whining to the cops!

Corollary: Nothing is your fault. If someone breaks into your house and steals your TV, it's not your fault. It's the locksmiths' fault because they made an inferior lock for your door. It's also the homebuilders' fault, because they made the walls so thick that you couldn't hear the thief, and they made the closet inconvenient so you couldn't grab your gun.

Use the phrase "personal responsibility" a lot, but don't apply it to anyone who really is responsible. Only victims have "personal responsibility" problems. Say you're "conservative" or "libertarian" so it looks like you know what you're talking about. What this really does, however, is make real conservatives and libertarians look bad. Not that you care. You only care about yourself. Support political positions that hurt everybody but you. Attack anyone who disagrees with your political views.

You're only happy if you mock other people. You're better than them so it's okay. That's why they have so many friends and you don't. People realize they aren't worthy of your presence. When you watch TV news, make fun of people who get killed. Nobody else's lives are important. Humor is invalid unless it's gross, obscene, sick, or mocking inferior people.

Swear constantly. A good rate is one swear word for every two non-swear words. People will see you are tough, intelligent, realistic, eloquent, and articulate. If you sound really pissed off, you can scare people into agreeing with you.

Worship yourself. Other people are worthless except for other Real Men like yourself, and even they must bow to your greatness. You are the smartest person in the universe and the entire galaxy revolves around you. You are always right, and if someone disagrees they're stupid. Morality is for inferior people. If you can get away with something that's wrong, do it because it's wrong.

Women are inferior and only exist for your sexual pleasure. Society doesn't require them to be jerks, so they must be inferior. Most women are stupid and have lousy taste in music, movies, and TV. You might run across one who is as much of a jerk as you are; if she's "hot" (see below), then you just found yourself a date.

If a woman fits your standards of physical attractiveness, call her "hot". If a woman doesn't fit your standards, call her "ugly". If another guy doesn't agree with you on "hot" girls, he's "gay" and you should attack him. Your standards of physical attractiveness must be the same as the ones in beer commercials. Do not tolerate ANY deviation.

Sleep with every woman you can, then talk about them behind their backs about how they're "ugly" and worthless and you only did them because you were drunk. Don't mention you secretly think they're hot because anyone who likes an "ugly" woman is "gay". Your complaining is NOT "whining", because it concerns a deep, pressing issue (you hate the way they look).

If you can live up to every one of these, then congratulations, you are a Real Man. Not all Real Men are male. A few are females who hate their gender and want to be male. Most are male because these are the standards people expect for men these days.

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