Monday, January 29, 2018

Apostasy

My mom is an ex-Christian. I'd suspected it for years but she confirmed it to me the other day.

When I was a kid, she was super-devout. She prayed every morning. She studied the Bible more than most preachers. She was one of the most morally upright people I knew, in all senses. I was home-schooled and I remember her teaching me Bible classes. My parents used to minister to some of the more troubled teenagers in the area - I don't know if it ever stuck or not, but a lot of why I never got into drugs was that I saw the damage firsthand. Not only did she care about spreading the gospel, she also cared about holiness. I remember her criticizing my dad and me because we were listening to the ska band Madness, and Madness were a secular band, therefore they were evil. She didn't even like Christian bands that weren't Christian enough. When a large bookstore opened in town, she felt uncomfortable there. She said there was an evil spirit there because of all the New Age books. (They also had more Bible translations than anyone else.) On the other hand, she wasn't that strict on me. She didn't force me to wear a suit and tie every day. She wasn't a hardcore fundamentalist like a lot of people we knew were.

She was my moral rock as a child. Now that rock has completely weathered away. She used to hate swearing. Now she swears, especially "bitch" (which she considers a compliment and a self-description). Every time she says "my gaahd" it makes my skin crawl, because the woman who raised me would never say that. She's outright mean to some people now. And she's the worst kind of ex-Christian - the kind who ascends above the need for Jesus in her own goodness. Note the sarcasm. She can't stand most people now. She hates anyone feminine, unless it's a gay man. She gets mad when I say anything she can't comprehend. And she always has to have the upper hand. She has to mock everything. And she can't comprehend why anyone would have friends. She used to have friends. Now her brain programming lacks a subroutine for friendship.

She raised me to be a strong Christian - I don't think I'm that strong of a Christian, but I sure didn't turn out like her. If she's disappointed in me for staying tied to Organized Religion, it's her fault. I remember about ten years ago I told her about my struggles with faith after a traumatic event, and she pretty much told me to leave Christianity. I was surprised. She couldn't comprehend why I wanted to stay Christian. I no longer tell her about my problems.

If the woman who raised me was still around, she'd be appalled at how my mom acts now. As far as I know, I am the only person on earth who has to deal with this. Nobody else on earth has stayed in their religion while their parents quit. It's like the world played a sick joke on me. It hurts like hell.

She and I still get along well. I still like being around her. But I don't respect her as much as I used to. It would be better if I'd been raised secular and became a Christian later on. Then I wouldn't have to throw out the memories.

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