Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Why I Hate Christmas

I hate Christmas. Not the religious holiday. I like celebrating Jesus' birth. I hate the secular holiday. If I wasn't a Christian I wouldn't celebrate it. Here's why:

The holiday is way too commercialized. This is everyone's problem. But I got more:

I. Hate. Snow. I really hate it on Christmas. I hate how all TV and movies have snow on Christmas. Even in Miami. EVEN IN HAWAII. People get pissed if you trash snow on Christmas. Bing Crosby asks how can you have Christmas without snow. Ask the majority of the world. Ask the southern hemisphere. It was over 100°F/38°C in Perth, Western Australia last Christmas. Countries like Brazil, Australia, South Africa, etc. have hot Christmases because it's near the summer solstice. Here in the US, I live in Mississippi and my family's from other hot places like Florida. Make fun of us all you want, but any snow is a disaster in the Deep South. I don't want a disaster on Christmas. Snow has nothing to do with the birth of Jesus. I'm not pagan/Wiccan so I don't care about celebrating the winter solstice. The "white Christmas" shit is the northern US and England shoving their ideal conditions down everyone's throat. It's the idealized Christmas TV sells us so they can sell more products. So I say take your white Christmas and shove it up your ass. I'll take a green (or brown) one any year. People care more about snow than they do about Jesus.

People get pissed if you're not "merry" and "jolly" on Christmas. Peace and love? Bullshit. They turn into assholes if you question a "white" "merry" Christmas. The rest of the year you have to be negative and cynical, which sucks enough already. On Christmas you have to be happy and positive, the only day all year people are allowed to be. And you HAVE to be, no matter your mood. What if you're depressed? You can go kill yourself. Christmas while depressed is what I imagine hell is like: everyone's "merry" and "jolly" except you. If I ever kill myself I'll do it on December 25.

There is no reason to change the culture to the 1950s for a month. I like a lot of things from older cultures. Why not keep those things all year? Why be inconsistent? The media send us mixed messages. Everything's this crass modern culture, then it turns into "Traditional Stuff We Think Your Grandma Liked", then to hell with grandma on the 26th. Grandma doesn't matter once you got presents from her.

I'm sick to death of the damn culture wars! You can't be consistent with the other holidays and say "Happy Christmas" because the "Merry Christmas" crowd gets pissed if you don't say "Merry". Why the hell do we say "merry" instead of "happy"? It's stupid. You can't say "Happy Holidays" and be inclusive or people bitch about it. If you say "Merry Christmas" people still bitch at you. So you have to say "Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, etc." or people get pissed at you. Those exact damn words. And they STILL get pissed because you were too inclusive. So much for peace and love. Don't get me wrong, I hate everyone in the culture wars debate. But the "merry Christmas" crowd care more about their Christmas traditions than about Jesus. How about "I pray you make it thru this horrible time of year"? It doesn't work for non-religious people but it's way closer to my mood.

Why lie to kids about Santa Claus? This is one thing only fundamentalists and some atheists get right – if you're a parent and you lie to your kids, you make them not trust you. That's a good lesson in real life, but it's not the lesson most parents want to teach their kids. Lying to kids about Santa is stupid and wrong. It may be "cute" and "innocent" but it's stupid.

I have a few more personal problems. My birthday's in December so that month's even more stressful than it is for most people. I'm red-green colorblind and the color combo hurts my eyes. I've seen some Christmas colors that literally give me a headache. I hate driving in heavy traffic and the traffic gets really bad every Christmas. I don't have much family here so I can't have a "family Christmas" unless I go out of state. However...

The single worst part about Christmas is the "rebellious" crowds, the punks and goths and hipsters, embrace the "traditional" Christmas the media built for us! The rest of the year they complain the media manipulate things to sell us stuff, but during Christmas they forget. They switch to "Fa la la snow hot chocolate presents snow family!" then revert back on the 26th. I thought I could count on them for support... hell no! No surprise, considering I never agree with them on anything.

There are a few things I like about Christmas. I like liturgical churches and it's the one time of the year most people care about liturgy. But you can get that any time at the right church. I'm all for celebrating Jesus' birth. I love a lot of old Christmas carols, like "O Come All Ye Faithful" and "What Child Is This". I like receiving and giving presents as long as it's not the focus of the holiday. I even like a few Christmas movies. Miracle on 34th Street may violate every single thing on this list, but it's pretty deep for a Santa movie. But there's no reason to celebrate Christmas if you're not Christian. I don't celebrate Eid al-Fitr or Passover, but I acknowledge they exist. And people turn into the worst kind of assholes every December. And I hate snow on Christmas.

Bah humbug.